An interesting but confusing dream

Today I had a fairly lucid dream. In this dream I awoke in a prison located somewhere in London. Apparently, Russia had gone berserk and went on an annexation spree, declaring all nations belong to it, and that anyone who opposes them will be imprisoned and beaten. I challenged people around me and got .. punished (let's just say they made me drop the soap and enjoyed it. I apologised the next day, hoping it wouldn't happen again). Eventually I realise there is a plot to escape. I met up with a few people (4 girls) that had the same plan and eventually agreed to escape with them. The plan was that we'd meet at an agreed location and then rendezvous at a nearby tube station. From there, once we are safe, we will then decide where to go. When we finally make the escape, we head towards one of the tube stations but one of the runaways decided to take their time and go shower. Eventually we reach the tube station - some by bicycles - but as we were escaping, we see a bus approaching and I knew instinctively what this meant: they are coming. I observe the soldiers pouring out of the bus and rushing out as I rushed us as well and told them to leave their shit behind. Unfortunately, 2 of us were caught and left behind.

At this point, I said,"We need to get out of here, France and Germany are close and good allies and wouldn't throw us out.. You girls wouldn't happen to know anyone from those countries, would you?". One of the girls, named Alice, replied,"Well actually, I'm from France. I study there and have a place for the both of you as well. We could recoup there and figure out what's next".

In response, I said,"It's too bad the other two couldn't make it". I couldn't imagine what would happen to them as they would have likely been tortured and imprisoned for information. Luckily (or not), I did not give them the important information detailing the escape.

Finally, the other girl whose name escapes me, speaks up,"Yeah well.. you kinda left them behind". I pondered. I had no choice. If we stayed longer, we would have been caught too, it was a lose-lose situation for us either way. We had to make the hard decision and leave them behind. I choked a little bit,"Not much we could do, really", as we looked towards the view as soldiers walked up with armed weapons and apprehended the girls. We somehow make the journey to France and arrive at Alice's place. She shares a place with this other guy named Vince who was fairly relaxed about the entire situation and they were fairly lax about everything - including letting me walk around in my boxers as I waited for my turn to shower. As night arrives, I inquired on how our living situation was going to be and laughably made a threesome suggestion - which wasn't opposed by anyone. As we headed off to bed, I awoke in my own, realising the entire string of events was a well-lived dream. I wondered what it would be like if I had continued dreaming.

I have a terrible problem

I have a problem.

My problem is I have an over-reliance. An over-reliance that whenever something goes horribly wrong in my life, you're the first person I turn to.

And this isn't good. Despite our closeness, and my affection, I cannot be too over-reliant on you. It just won't end well.

And I know it.

The Thing That Could Not Be

You know, sometimes I wish you were nearby.

Near enough for me to go to you, give you a hug and let everything loose.

But.

I can't.

Sentiments

People used to say that I'm super sentimental. They're not wrong; for as long as I can remember, I had difficulty trusting people. When I started trusting people and opening up to them, they'd often shut me out, and once again, I'd recluse and shut everyone out, and keep to myself. People wonder why I care so much about XYZ or enjoy hanging out with ABC, when it's mostly because when I can be myself around them, I'm happiest. These people have made my life better for as much as I can remember, and despite the differences/dislikes between the two crowds, I always choose the people that make me happy. So, whenever my friends give me things, I am always surprised. Mostly because I've never been the person to "get" things, or be given to, so when I get something, anything. I keep it close to me, because it means so much to me.

I've kept a drawing from my childhood/best-friend when she gave it to me while we were much younger. I've kept so many things, things that people would say are useless, but because it was given to me, from someone I cared, rather than something I spent my own money for, I've kept it, treasured it and loved it for as much as I could. Honestly, I'm a fairly easy person to please. If you even gave me a piece of paper with just a smiley face or something simple, I still would keep it. For me, the value of the gift is not its true value, but the act of giving and the intricate meaning of the gift are its true values.

On that same note, I know some of my friends don't enjoy hanging with a certain XYZ, whom I absolutely hold dear to me as one of the sweetest people in the world. Mostly cause she listens, she's honest, and she's the one I can count on. I have no idea what I'd have done without her these past few years. These past few years for me have been nothing but hell and discomfort, and she's made it all tolerable.

So when people say I'm super sentimental, I'd like to say: I'm not just sentimental, but I'm highly appreciative of the people who've legitimately tried to be there for me. There aren't many of these people, and even less of those that I can count on all the time. I appreciate my friends for the things they've done for me and the times they've been there, and I can honestly say, I will never forget their kindness or them.

Bridges are complex interactions

Is it wrong to say that I could see it happening? That I could see it working? That, I think, it would be okay. Maybe it's not wrong, but it sure as hell isn't right. It would be a huge risk, with probably a huge reward, but a risk that I feel is too much. I've analysed the situations, I've predicted what could happen, what may happen and what's most likely going to happen. And in all those situations, it is the highly unlikely part that it will end up doing good for me. Going through life, I've learned to not act on what you feel because what you feel is highly irrational and illogical. It does not consider consequences; it does not think of the problems that may occur. So, when I think something may be a good idea, I know that more likely than not, that it is not a good idea.

When people build bridges, they have to make an effort to ensure these bridges remain stable and strong. Sometimes though, some people like to venture across these bridges and wonder what it's like on the other side. More often than not, they end up crossing a bridge to find no one there, and all the time and effort they spent creating that bridge, and maintaining it has been wasted. Sometimes though, you find someone on the other side, and it's great because you know your effort has not been wasted. For some people, they burn these bridges when they realise that it's been all for nothing. And the hardest part of that? The strongest bridges are the hardest to burn down.

The most important thing to me is that, this bridge is far too important to me to burn down. I'm not willing to risk crossing it, because I know I'll just be disappointed. I like what I've built so far - it's solid, strong and reliable. I will never shake the feeling of curiosity, or wonder, but that shouldn't matter because it will not help anyone. I will always wonder what lies across, maybe a field of greener pastures, maybe a desert wasteland, or maybe an abandoned urban city. I will not know, and I should not try to know.

But sometimes, I really wish I did.

It's easy to be miserable

.. and it's difficult to seem legitimately happy, or that you even care at all. But I do it, not because I enjoy it, but because it is the correct thing to do.

There are some things I regret not taking a chance at, or attempting. You know how when it's right within arm's reach but it seems so infinitely far away? That's what it feels like. It feels miserable, and the worst of it all, is that I can't (or shouldn't?) do anything about it, because it will change our dynamics and the way we interact. Admittedly, I've thought about it. I've considered it. I've weighed the pros versus the cons, and.. ultimately, I can't think of a situation where the pros outweigh the cons. Despite that, I honestly can say I don't care. I .. just want to know what happens, but I shouldn't, and I won't. Well, I guess it doesn't matter at this point because it's too late, but so long as it's going well then I won't change it. There is no need for change. After all, if it isn't broken, why fix it?

I wish I could eliminate my emotions completely - maybe I'd be a better person. Maybe, I'd won't be afraid to speak my mind, but maybe I'd also lose what I have. I don't have much in this life that I value, but to the things/people I do, I value them with all my heart and soul. And I'm afraid - afraid of losing it all.

I really am. I want to end on something a little more positive I guess: I got nothing left to prove, and it's all because of you. Thank you for all the things you've helped me with through life.

The good times

I look at last year. I looked it at how it brought us closer, and made me wish it wasn't a dream.

But alas, it could not be, and it is unfortunate, and sad. I must move on; but the memories.. I will never forget.