The Thing That Could Not Be

You know, sometimes I wish you were nearby.

Near enough for me to go to you, give you a hug and let everything loose.

But.

I can't.

Sentiments

People used to say that I'm super sentimental. They're not wrong; for as long as I can remember, I had difficulty trusting people. When I started trusting people and opening up to them, they'd often shut me out, and once again, I'd recluse and shut everyone out, and keep to myself. People wonder why I care so much about XYZ or enjoy hanging out with ABC, when it's mostly because when I can be myself around them, I'm happiest. These people have made my life better for as much as I can remember, and despite the differences/dislikes between the two crowds, I always choose the people that make me happy. So, whenever my friends give me things, I am always surprised. Mostly because I've never been the person to "get" things, or be given to, so when I get something, anything. I keep it close to me, because it means so much to me.

I've kept a drawing from my childhood/best-friend when she gave it to me while we were much younger. I've kept so many things, things that people would say are useless, but because it was given to me, from someone I cared, rather than something I spent my own money for, I've kept it, treasured it and loved it for as much as I could. Honestly, I'm a fairly easy person to please. If you even gave me a piece of paper with just a smiley face or something simple, I still would keep it. For me, the value of the gift is not its true value, but the act of giving and the intricate meaning of the gift are its true values.

On that same note, I know some of my friends don't enjoy hanging with a certain XYZ, whom I absolutely hold dear to me as one of the sweetest people in the world. Mostly cause she listens, she's honest, and she's the one I can count on. I have no idea what I'd have done without her these past few years. These past few years for me have been nothing but hell and discomfort, and she's made it all tolerable.

So when people say I'm super sentimental, I'd like to say: I'm not just sentimental, but I'm highly appreciative of the people who've legitimately tried to be there for me. There aren't many of these people, and even less of those that I can count on all the time. I appreciate my friends for the things they've done for me and the times they've been there, and I can honestly say, I will never forget their kindness or them.

Bridges are complex interactions

Is it wrong to say that I could see it happening? That I could see it working? That, I think, it would be okay. Maybe it's not wrong, but it sure as hell isn't right. It would be a huge risk, with probably a huge reward, but a risk that I feel is too much. I've analysed the situations, I've predicted what could happen, what may happen and what's most likely going to happen. And in all those situations, it is the highly unlikely part that it will end up doing good for me. Going through life, I've learned to not act on what you feel because what you feel is highly irrational and illogical. It does not consider consequences; it does not think of the problems that may occur. So, when I think something may be a good idea, I know that more likely than not, that it is not a good idea.

When people build bridges, they have to make an effort to ensure these bridges remain stable and strong. Sometimes though, some people like to venture across these bridges and wonder what it's like on the other side. More often than not, they end up crossing a bridge to find no one there, and all the time and effort they spent creating that bridge, and maintaining it has been wasted. Sometimes though, you find someone on the other side, and it's great because you know your effort has not been wasted. For some people, they burn these bridges when they realise that it's been all for nothing. And the hardest part of that? The strongest bridges are the hardest to burn down.

The most important thing to me is that, this bridge is far too important to me to burn down. I'm not willing to risk crossing it, because I know I'll just be disappointed. I like what I've built so far - it's solid, strong and reliable. I will never shake the feeling of curiosity, or wonder, but that shouldn't matter because it will not help anyone. I will always wonder what lies across, maybe a field of greener pastures, maybe a desert wasteland, or maybe an abandoned urban city. I will not know, and I should not try to know.

But sometimes, I really wish I did.

It's easy to be miserable

.. and it's difficult to seem legitimately happy, or that you even care at all. But I do it, not because I enjoy it, but because it is the correct thing to do.

There are some things I regret not taking a chance at, or attempting. You know how when it's right within arm's reach but it seems so infinitely far away? That's what it feels like. It feels miserable, and the worst of it all, is that I can't (or shouldn't?) do anything about it, because it will change our dynamics and the way we interact. Admittedly, I've thought about it. I've considered it. I've weighed the pros versus the cons, and.. ultimately, I can't think of a situation where the pros outweigh the cons. Despite that, I honestly can say I don't care. I .. just want to know what happens, but I shouldn't, and I won't. Well, I guess it doesn't matter at this point because it's too late, but so long as it's going well then I won't change it. There is no need for change. After all, if it isn't broken, why fix it?

I wish I could eliminate my emotions completely - maybe I'd be a better person. Maybe, I'd won't be afraid to speak my mind, but maybe I'd also lose what I have. I don't have much in this life that I value, but to the things/people I do, I value them with all my heart and soul. And I'm afraid - afraid of losing it all.

I really am. I want to end on something a little more positive I guess: I got nothing left to prove, and it's all because of you. Thank you for all the things you've helped me with through life.

The good times

I look at last year. I looked it at how it brought us closer, and made me wish it wasn't a dream.

But alas, it could not be, and it is unfortunate, and sad. I must move on; but the memories.. I will never forget.

Hell, it's about time.

I personally have not been updating at ALL for the past year or so, and I kinda feel like I should. This blog kind of means something to me, I think! Short update: Imperial is hell, pretty much THE definition of hell, exams in 2 weeks, my life is a wreck, etc. On the plus side, Thorzain beat Naniwa 4-3 in TSL3 finals. Most incredible games!

Also, I hate people that are innately very good-looking. Curse your genetics! My only cure is cosmetic surgery I guess :(

It's time.

Soon, I will leave this beautiful country of Brunei Darussalam and head off to the strange new land of the United Kingdom, where I shall reside for the following 4 years.

The things I will miss most, are the things I love and cherish the most.

:(