An interesting but confusing dream

Today I had a fairly lucid dream. In this dream I awoke in a prison located somewhere in London. Apparently, Russia had gone berserk and went on an annexation spree, declaring all nations belong to it, and that anyone who opposes them will be imprisoned and beaten. I challenged people around me and got .. punished (let's just say they made me drop the soap and enjoyed it. I apologised the next day, hoping it wouldn't happen again). Eventually I realise there is a plot to escape. I met up with a few people (4 girls) that had the same plan and eventually agreed to escape with them. The plan was that we'd meet at an agreed location and then rendezvous at a nearby tube station. From there, once we are safe, we will then decide where to go. When we finally make the escape, we head towards one of the tube stations but one of the runaways decided to take their time and go shower. Eventually we reach the tube station - some by bicycles - but as we were escaping, we see a bus approaching and I knew instinctively what this meant: they are coming. I observe the soldiers pouring out of the bus and rushing out as I rushed us as well and told them to leave their shit behind. Unfortunately, 2 of us were caught and left behind.

At this point, I said,"We need to get out of here, France and Germany are close and good allies and wouldn't throw us out.. You girls wouldn't happen to know anyone from those countries, would you?". One of the girls, named Alice, replied,"Well actually, I'm from France. I study there and have a place for the both of you as well. We could recoup there and figure out what's next".

In response, I said,"It's too bad the other two couldn't make it". I couldn't imagine what would happen to them as they would have likely been tortured and imprisoned for information. Luckily (or not), I did not give them the important information detailing the escape.

Finally, the other girl whose name escapes me, speaks up,"Yeah well.. you kinda left them behind". I pondered. I had no choice. If we stayed longer, we would have been caught too, it was a lose-lose situation for us either way. We had to make the hard decision and leave them behind. I choked a little bit,"Not much we could do, really", as we looked towards the view as soldiers walked up with armed weapons and apprehended the girls. We somehow make the journey to France and arrive at Alice's place. She shares a place with this other guy named Vince who was fairly relaxed about the entire situation and they were fairly lax about everything - including letting me walk around in my boxers as I waited for my turn to shower. As night arrives, I inquired on how our living situation was going to be and laughably made a threesome suggestion - which wasn't opposed by anyone. As we headed off to bed, I awoke in my own, realising the entire string of events was a well-lived dream. I wondered what it would be like if I had continued dreaming.

I have a terrible problem

I have a problem.

My problem is I have an over-reliance. An over-reliance that whenever something goes horribly wrong in my life, you're the first person I turn to.

And this isn't good. Despite our closeness, and my affection, I cannot be too over-reliant on you. It just won't end well.

And I know it.

The Thing That Could Not Be

You know, sometimes I wish you were nearby.

Near enough for me to go to you, give you a hug and let everything loose.

But.

I can't.

Sentiments

People used to say that I'm super sentimental. They're not wrong; for as long as I can remember, I had difficulty trusting people. When I started trusting people and opening up to them, they'd often shut me out, and once again, I'd recluse and shut everyone out, and keep to myself. People wonder why I care so much about XYZ or enjoy hanging out with ABC, when it's mostly because when I can be myself around them, I'm happiest. These people have made my life better for as much as I can remember, and despite the differences/dislikes between the two crowds, I always choose the people that make me happy. So, whenever my friends give me things, I am always surprised. Mostly because I've never been the person to "get" things, or be given to, so when I get something, anything. I keep it close to me, because it means so much to me.

I've kept a drawing from my childhood/best-friend when she gave it to me while we were much younger. I've kept so many things, things that people would say are useless, but because it was given to me, from someone I cared, rather than something I spent my own money for, I've kept it, treasured it and loved it for as much as I could. Honestly, I'm a fairly easy person to please. If you even gave me a piece of paper with just a smiley face or something simple, I still would keep it. For me, the value of the gift is not its true value, but the act of giving and the intricate meaning of the gift are its true values.

On that same note, I know some of my friends don't enjoy hanging with a certain XYZ, whom I absolutely hold dear to me as one of the sweetest people in the world. Mostly cause she listens, she's honest, and she's the one I can count on. I have no idea what I'd have done without her these past few years. These past few years for me have been nothing but hell and discomfort, and she's made it all tolerable.

So when people say I'm super sentimental, I'd like to say: I'm not just sentimental, but I'm highly appreciative of the people who've legitimately tried to be there for me. There aren't many of these people, and even less of those that I can count on all the time. I appreciate my friends for the things they've done for me and the times they've been there, and I can honestly say, I will never forget their kindness or them.

Bridges are complex interactions

Is it wrong to say that I could see it happening? That I could see it working? That, I think, it would be okay. Maybe it's not wrong, but it sure as hell isn't right. It would be a huge risk, with probably a huge reward, but a risk that I feel is too much. I've analysed the situations, I've predicted what could happen, what may happen and what's most likely going to happen. And in all those situations, it is the highly unlikely part that it will end up doing good for me. Going through life, I've learned to not act on what you feel because what you feel is highly irrational and illogical. It does not consider consequences; it does not think of the problems that may occur. So, when I think something may be a good idea, I know that more likely than not, that it is not a good idea.

When people build bridges, they have to make an effort to ensure these bridges remain stable and strong. Sometimes though, some people like to venture across these bridges and wonder what it's like on the other side. More often than not, they end up crossing a bridge to find no one there, and all the time and effort they spent creating that bridge, and maintaining it has been wasted. Sometimes though, you find someone on the other side, and it's great because you know your effort has not been wasted. For some people, they burn these bridges when they realise that it's been all for nothing. And the hardest part of that? The strongest bridges are the hardest to burn down.

The most important thing to me is that, this bridge is far too important to me to burn down. I'm not willing to risk crossing it, because I know I'll just be disappointed. I like what I've built so far - it's solid, strong and reliable. I will never shake the feeling of curiosity, or wonder, but that shouldn't matter because it will not help anyone. I will always wonder what lies across, maybe a field of greener pastures, maybe a desert wasteland, or maybe an abandoned urban city. I will not know, and I should not try to know.

But sometimes, I really wish I did.

It's easy to be miserable

.. and it's difficult to seem legitimately happy, or that you even care at all. But I do it, not because I enjoy it, but because it is the correct thing to do.

There are some things I regret not taking a chance at, or attempting. You know how when it's right within arm's reach but it seems so infinitely far away? That's what it feels like. It feels miserable, and the worst of it all, is that I can't (or shouldn't?) do anything about it, because it will change our dynamics and the way we interact. Admittedly, I've thought about it. I've considered it. I've weighed the pros versus the cons, and.. ultimately, I can't think of a situation where the pros outweigh the cons. Despite that, I honestly can say I don't care. I .. just want to know what happens, but I shouldn't, and I won't. Well, I guess it doesn't matter at this point because it's too late, but so long as it's going well then I won't change it. There is no need for change. After all, if it isn't broken, why fix it?

I wish I could eliminate my emotions completely - maybe I'd be a better person. Maybe, I'd won't be afraid to speak my mind, but maybe I'd also lose what I have. I don't have much in this life that I value, but to the things/people I do, I value them with all my heart and soul. And I'm afraid - afraid of losing it all.

I really am. I want to end on something a little more positive I guess: I got nothing left to prove, and it's all because of you. Thank you for all the things you've helped me with through life.

The good times

I look at last year. I looked it at how it brought us closer, and made me wish it wasn't a dream.

But alas, it could not be, and it is unfortunate, and sad. I must move on; but the memories.. I will never forget.

Hell, it's about time.

I personally have not been updating at ALL for the past year or so, and I kinda feel like I should. This blog kind of means something to me, I think! Short update: Imperial is hell, pretty much THE definition of hell, exams in 2 weeks, my life is a wreck, etc. On the plus side, Thorzain beat Naniwa 4-3 in TSL3 finals. Most incredible games!

Also, I hate people that are innately very good-looking. Curse your genetics! My only cure is cosmetic surgery I guess :(

It's time.

Soon, I will leave this beautiful country of Brunei Darussalam and head off to the strange new land of the United Kingdom, where I shall reside for the following 4 years.

The things I will miss most, are the things I love and cherish the most.

:(

It's been a while..

It's been almost 3 months since I last blogged.. Ah, the days, how fast they've gone. What have I been up to? Let's recap: 1) Exams, 2) Melbourne Trip, 3) Farewells

Yes, yes, 1) is a pain the arse, but a "necessary" evil if you must. I'm mostly worried about my further maths, and reasonably comfortable with the rest of them, bar psychology. I just fucked up that paper so bad. Sigh. Ah well, whatever the case, I'll presume I can get enough points off the mark scheme for a B.

As for the Melbourne trip, it was very extrinsically pleasing, but not very intrinsically satisfying. I sort of regret going to Melbourne. Really, after hearing what happened at second prom, I should have skipped Melbourne in favour of DRINKING! YES! Drinking. A good ol' past time of people. :>

Finally, farewells.. A lot of people come and go, sometimes it's easier to say goodbye than hello, but not all the time. Some people I know and cherish quite well are leaving for their universities in Australia, or USA, or whatever country they're going to. Quite upsetting actually since most of the people I've said my goodbyes to, I'm quite close with. Tomorrow, JA is leaving. A few days ago, JarJar, and before that, Steven Tan, and before that, Jason Lew. Sad, it is, but forgotten, they shall not be.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately..

About my past, my present and my future. I've always wondered whether anything was worth doing for. Whether I'm actually making a difference. And in the end, I come to the cold truth that no one really gives a shit. How many times I've done things for people only to be depreciated in the future for it. I've managed to hold back, and say "well, they're people.. they use you, they abuse you and then they dispose of you". Sad to say, despite knowing these, I still help people. Maybe one day my efforts will not be in vain.

On the slightly-less-depressing side of things, there have been some Korean songs that I've been listening to that I gotta say I think are pretty great:

U-KISS - I Like You


f(x) - NU ABO


You know there's an old saying or something that goes along the line of "it's better to try and be disdained than not try and have regret".. As a person, I can honestly say that is a load of crap. Clearly whoever said that did not consider the implications on the sociological construct, the implications and the adverse consequences beneath it. I've always been a fan of the 'tried, tested and proven' method.. Never a 'let's hope and if it works, YAY, if it doesn't work, FML' method because it just doesn't work. At least, not for me. I may have given up on the whole of humanity, but I've not given up on individuals. I've actually been having a good chat with some of my friends, and one of my old friends, Steven.

I need to have another long philosophical conservation with my good ol' nerd friends. It's been such a long time since I've had an intellectual conversation that honestly stimulated my way of thinking. (sup yongbo, nat, steven I'm talking to you guys) Although I'm pretty sure this blog is dead, there may be occasional updates.. Prom is in 6 days.. Should I be happy about it? I haven't asked anyone out. Don't know if I should.. I did plan on asking a few people, but meh. None of the people I really wanted to ask are going. I'll ask whoever I can I guess. For the sake of it. It's my last year, who gives a shit what happens after. I've messed up a few of my relationships with former friends, what's one more messed up relationship going to add to?

The equation of the common "heart"

So I was bored today, despite me supposed to be studying, I always wondered if the "heart shape" had an equation.. Guess what? After 5 seconds of googling, and more seconds spent fiddling with available graph drawing software I have, I created myself a heart :*)

This is the link I'm talking about. There are plenty.. The two that interest me most are the standard x-y and polar equation. :*)



and

ANGER.

I have a lot of anger issues, I realise, but what I'm more appalled by is the amount of sheer ignorance that goes on these days about mental illness. When someone feels down, the first thing people say is "grow a pair" instead of asking if said person is alright. Clinical depression is real, you fucking pricks. Don't believe me? Go read studies on it; it's biological in nature and is maintained by the environment and individual. Some people are lucky - their disorders are not that bad; for instance I would not classify dyslexia as a serious mental disorder.

However, things like depression, schizophrenia are not things to give a brief moment of thought and then promptly ignore. What makes things worse is the way people treat truly depression people - there are lot of suicide cases in the world as a result of this.

I guess ignorance truly is bliss, eh?

Tonsils

...are a useless part of the human anatomy! I need to get mine removed.

This tonsillitis thing is extremely irritating, it's not even funny. I'll probably remove it during the holidays.

LOL EXAMS

..are done

and now the mass amount of tests await

also i'm quite surprised at my predicted grades I'll be using for UCAS. didn't think any teachers thought highly of me :/

New skin

No, it has nothing to do with the New Year or anything. I just wanted a skin where I could type LOTS of text and not make it seem like gigantic walls of text as well as using a skin where I could post full-sized YouTube vids up instead of having to shrink them myself[/sigh].

Anyway, other reason is that I need to post this:

11/1/10 - Mechanics 2 @ 17:00
13/1/10 - Physics 1 @ 17:00
15/1/10 - C4 Maths @ 17:00
15/1/10 - Numerical Methods @ 21:00
20/1/10 - Further Pure 1 @ 19:00
20/1/10 - C3 Maths @ 21:00

How fun. Yes, I am resitting physics 1 cause I'm a noob and was 1 mark off an A. sigh. C3/4 resits for A* cause I'm a nerd etc.

Well w/e back to M2 for me. FML.

fuck you all

humanity is overrated.

Of awesome Cowgirls and Butt dances

Brown Eyed Girls - Candy Man


Kara - Mister



What? You can't blame me for liking girls :3 Also butt dance kicks ass. :DDDDD

RIP Sniffles

Today marks the day of the passing of a great friend.

For those who do not know, there was recently a birth of 2 puppies in my neighbourhood. Sadly, they were strays although I'd really wish I could adopt them. I gave both of them names: Sniffles and Rollies(yeah pretty dumb names, I know, but I don't give a fuck).

When I was walking my dog today, I saw the neighbour, who took care of the puppies and some stray dogs, digging a hole in his garden. Then a while later I saw him carry a lifeless body of a black puppy. There was only one: Sniffles. Rollies was with me and my dog momentarily before she went back home, but I had no sight of Sniffles today and I now know why.

Both the puppies were very young, 3-4 months tops and I feel quite saddened that such a young animal has died. I don't know why she(Rollies) died yet, but I will probably find out tomorrow.

Until then, RIP Sniffles. I'll miss you : ( She was a great friend to me and my dog(although sometimes my dog disagreed with that) and was such a lively puppy. Goodbye, Sniffles.

R. I. P.

So Nyuh Shi Dae!

Ah, watching some of the performances by these girls are awesome.



SNSD - Genie(Tell Me Your Wish). Great song ;) Great performance by the lovely nine ladies too.



Awesome Yul doin' her stuff and dancing and her legendary baseball pose. Haha.




This part of the interview made me sad DEEP INSIDE. Really.

Poor Tiff. This vid just shows that these girls are as real as girls can be and they're just down to earth. Such lovely girls, if you ask me. And no, it's not just cause I'm a guy and think they're all gorgeous(well, this is true, but it isn't why they're awesome). If you see them off-stage and in some of those TV shows, they can be really lively and awesome. Sadly, the only channel in Brunei that airs Korean stuff is 303 on Astro and that's very mediocre Z_Z Although they are some pretty cool stuff like Musicbank and stuff if you catch it. : D

SNSD Fighting!

Yu Ri-YoonA-SeoHyun-SooYoung-HyoYeon-TaeYeon-Tiffany-Jessica-Sunny fighting !!

N.B: They also did a Hollerback Cover(originally performed by Gwen Stefani) here and it seemed far better when they covered it than originally performed by gwenny. hahahaha. SNSD :)