It's easy to be miserable

.. and it's difficult to seem legitimately happy, or that you even care at all. But I do it, not because I enjoy it, but because it is the correct thing to do.

There are some things I regret not taking a chance at, or attempting. You know how when it's right within arm's reach but it seems so infinitely far away? That's what it feels like. It feels miserable, and the worst of it all, is that I can't (or shouldn't?) do anything about it, because it will change our dynamics and the way we interact. Admittedly, I've thought about it. I've considered it. I've weighed the pros versus the cons, and.. ultimately, I can't think of a situation where the pros outweigh the cons. Despite that, I honestly can say I don't care. I .. just want to know what happens, but I shouldn't, and I won't. Well, I guess it doesn't matter at this point because it's too late, but so long as it's going well then I won't change it. There is no need for change. After all, if it isn't broken, why fix it?

I wish I could eliminate my emotions completely - maybe I'd be a better person. Maybe, I'd won't be afraid to speak my mind, but maybe I'd also lose what I have. I don't have much in this life that I value, but to the things/people I do, I value them with all my heart and soul. And I'm afraid - afraid of losing it all.

I really am. I want to end on something a little more positive I guess: I got nothing left to prove, and it's all because of you. Thank you for all the things you've helped me with through life.