Bridges are complex interactions

Is it wrong to say that I could see it happening? That I could see it working? That, I think, it would be okay. Maybe it's not wrong, but it sure as hell isn't right. It would be a huge risk, with probably a huge reward, but a risk that I feel is too much. I've analysed the situations, I've predicted what could happen, what may happen and what's most likely going to happen. And in all those situations, it is the highly unlikely part that it will end up doing good for me. Going through life, I've learned to not act on what you feel because what you feel is highly irrational and illogical. It does not consider consequences; it does not think of the problems that may occur. So, when I think something may be a good idea, I know that more likely than not, that it is not a good idea.

When people build bridges, they have to make an effort to ensure these bridges remain stable and strong. Sometimes though, some people like to venture across these bridges and wonder what it's like on the other side. More often than not, they end up crossing a bridge to find no one there, and all the time and effort they spent creating that bridge, and maintaining it has been wasted. Sometimes though, you find someone on the other side, and it's great because you know your effort has not been wasted. For some people, they burn these bridges when they realise that it's been all for nothing. And the hardest part of that? The strongest bridges are the hardest to burn down.

The most important thing to me is that, this bridge is far too important to me to burn down. I'm not willing to risk crossing it, because I know I'll just be disappointed. I like what I've built so far - it's solid, strong and reliable. I will never shake the feeling of curiosity, or wonder, but that shouldn't matter because it will not help anyone. I will always wonder what lies across, maybe a field of greener pastures, maybe a desert wasteland, or maybe an abandoned urban city. I will not know, and I should not try to know.

But sometimes, I really wish I did.

It's easy to be miserable

.. and it's difficult to seem legitimately happy, or that you even care at all. But I do it, not because I enjoy it, but because it is the correct thing to do.

There are some things I regret not taking a chance at, or attempting. You know how when it's right within arm's reach but it seems so infinitely far away? That's what it feels like. It feels miserable, and the worst of it all, is that I can't (or shouldn't?) do anything about it, because it will change our dynamics and the way we interact. Admittedly, I've thought about it. I've considered it. I've weighed the pros versus the cons, and.. ultimately, I can't think of a situation where the pros outweigh the cons. Despite that, I honestly can say I don't care. I .. just want to know what happens, but I shouldn't, and I won't. Well, I guess it doesn't matter at this point because it's too late, but so long as it's going well then I won't change it. There is no need for change. After all, if it isn't broken, why fix it?

I wish I could eliminate my emotions completely - maybe I'd be a better person. Maybe, I'd won't be afraid to speak my mind, but maybe I'd also lose what I have. I don't have much in this life that I value, but to the things/people I do, I value them with all my heart and soul. And I'm afraid - afraid of losing it all.

I really am. I want to end on something a little more positive I guess: I got nothing left to prove, and it's all because of you. Thank you for all the things you've helped me with through life.

The good times

I look at last year. I looked it at how it brought us closer, and made me wish it wasn't a dream.

But alas, it could not be, and it is unfortunate, and sad. I must move on; but the memories.. I will never forget.

Hell, it's about time.

I personally have not been updating at ALL for the past year or so, and I kinda feel like I should. This blog kind of means something to me, I think! Short update: Imperial is hell, pretty much THE definition of hell, exams in 2 weeks, my life is a wreck, etc. On the plus side, Thorzain beat Naniwa 4-3 in TSL3 finals. Most incredible games!

Also, I hate people that are innately very good-looking. Curse your genetics! My only cure is cosmetic surgery I guess :(

It's time.

Soon, I will leave this beautiful country of Brunei Darussalam and head off to the strange new land of the United Kingdom, where I shall reside for the following 4 years.

The things I will miss most, are the things I love and cherish the most.

:(

It's been a while..

It's been almost 3 months since I last blogged.. Ah, the days, how fast they've gone. What have I been up to? Let's recap: 1) Exams, 2) Melbourne Trip, 3) Farewells

Yes, yes, 1) is a pain the arse, but a "necessary" evil if you must. I'm mostly worried about my further maths, and reasonably comfortable with the rest of them, bar psychology. I just fucked up that paper so bad. Sigh. Ah well, whatever the case, I'll presume I can get enough points off the mark scheme for a B.

As for the Melbourne trip, it was very extrinsically pleasing, but not very intrinsically satisfying. I sort of regret going to Melbourne. Really, after hearing what happened at second prom, I should have skipped Melbourne in favour of DRINKING! YES! Drinking. A good ol' past time of people. :>

Finally, farewells.. A lot of people come and go, sometimes it's easier to say goodbye than hello, but not all the time. Some people I know and cherish quite well are leaving for their universities in Australia, or USA, or whatever country they're going to. Quite upsetting actually since most of the people I've said my goodbyes to, I'm quite close with. Tomorrow, JA is leaving. A few days ago, JarJar, and before that, Steven Tan, and before that, Jason Lew. Sad, it is, but forgotten, they shall not be.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately..

About my past, my present and my future. I've always wondered whether anything was worth doing for. Whether I'm actually making a difference. And in the end, I come to the cold truth that no one really gives a shit. How many times I've done things for people only to be depreciated in the future for it. I've managed to hold back, and say "well, they're people.. they use you, they abuse you and then they dispose of you". Sad to say, despite knowing these, I still help people. Maybe one day my efforts will not be in vain.

On the slightly-less-depressing side of things, there have been some Korean songs that I've been listening to that I gotta say I think are pretty great:

U-KISS - I Like You


f(x) - NU ABO


You know there's an old saying or something that goes along the line of "it's better to try and be disdained than not try and have regret".. As a person, I can honestly say that is a load of crap. Clearly whoever said that did not consider the implications on the sociological construct, the implications and the adverse consequences beneath it. I've always been a fan of the 'tried, tested and proven' method.. Never a 'let's hope and if it works, YAY, if it doesn't work, FML' method because it just doesn't work. At least, not for me. I may have given up on the whole of humanity, but I've not given up on individuals. I've actually been having a good chat with some of my friends, and one of my old friends, Steven.

I need to have another long philosophical conservation with my good ol' nerd friends. It's been such a long time since I've had an intellectual conversation that honestly stimulated my way of thinking. (sup yongbo, nat, steven I'm talking to you guys) Although I'm pretty sure this blog is dead, there may be occasional updates.. Prom is in 6 days.. Should I be happy about it? I haven't asked anyone out. Don't know if I should.. I did plan on asking a few people, but meh. None of the people I really wanted to ask are going. I'll ask whoever I can I guess. For the sake of it. It's my last year, who gives a shit what happens after. I've messed up a few of my relationships with former friends, what's one more messed up relationship going to add to?